My God, That's Enormous! - Malvolio's very brief Beijing soujourn!

[Malvolio]

All right, ladies and gentlemen and undecideds, I suppose that since I'll be off to Beijing in a week and 3 days, it's time to me to begin my journal of limb extension.   My name here is Malvolio, because that was the last proper character I played.  He was a steward, which even in Shakespeare's time was understood to be a pompus a** of a butler.  In Act 4 Scene 1, he chases the leading lady around the stage, proclaiming his "love" by repeating someone else's extremely suggestive phrases while wearing bright yellow stockings with blue garters.  It was memorable.  

I am a youngun.  I will be in college next fall (providing I don't die horribly in the tragic Bow-Jow incident of 2010.  You remember. ).  My parents have no idea I will be there, and hopefully this state of their not knowing will continue.  My room-mate is going to be hearing a good deal of intentionally boring accounts of how I'm definitely in America, not getting my legs broken on purpose.  I saved for 2 years and sold my car to pay for part of the surgery, and I used part of my college money to pay for the rest.  I'm going to try to graduate in 3 years for financial reasons, so I rationalize it as that 4th year of college would/will cost what the LL does.

I WAS supposed to be doing something else during this year before college.  Something American.  I was foiled, and I'm positive that I will never have enough money and time at the same moment for LL after now.  So I'm going now.  

I am either 171 or 172 cm tall.  I am measured at 5'7" some times and 5'8" other times, so I assume I'm actually 5'7. 5".  Yes, I am American, so I have no idea what the metric system is.  I assume it's drinkable.

I am getting the surgery because white American men are too tall.  Actually, even some white American 18-year-old girls are too tall.  Everyone who is taller than me is too tall.  I am on a noble quest to reduce the number of people in my country who are too tall.  I serve the common good - like a paladin in a wheelchair.

I've booked my plane ticket, gotten an Earth Class Mail account so I can use the wisdom of 21st-century sorcerers to see my post mail online, put in my 2-weeks for my job, developed a physical addiction to the TV show Mad Men and to WoW, and gotten TruPhone to call my folks from China (yes, I know Skype's cheaper, but I was given a Blackberry, which is Skype's redheaded forsaken technological child).  I still have to buy supplies for Beijing, figure out whether my trunk is legally small enough to come on the flight with me or if I have to buy suitcases, order Mass Effect, get poker chips and cards so I can addict all Beijingers to a game called Egyptian Rat Slap, get educational materials, and wire the money for the actual surgery.  Bank of America is trying to prevent me from getting LL with a nefarious big-check-hold; I shall overcome.  

China is still forging ahead with the double-cut system; Ronne estimates that it will take me 4. 5 months to lengthen 8 cm with it.  I estimate that I will get 7 cm in 5. 5 months (I count the week of waiting-pre-lengthening and the 3-weeks-recovery.  I am on a time limit, unfortunately).  My minimum goal is to be 5'10" (since I'm not entirely sure where I'm starting from cm-wise, that's probably 7 or 8 cm anyway).  

Who here is in Beijing now, besides Inichiator (I spelled it wrong, and I apologize, but you can't argue that there aren't correct letters in there)? Is there anyone else from the forum?

[MMT Admin]

Great post - I'm looking forward to your diary! 

[galaxystar]

     

[jack0life]

Great writing skills.
Yeah, bring the poker chips.
Get everyone to get together and play poker every night.
It will make 3-4 hrs disappear very quickly.
There are plenty of foreign patients to play cards with.(even Chinese female patients).

[Sashimi]

why arent you there a month ago a bunch of us LL foreigners were craving for some poker night. Its time to get off your addition on WoW because the internet in China is too slow for it. You will die and get drop in many of your quests and raids and probably even froze in your base. Mass effect 2 on the other hand will be a life saver when you are in China trying to survive the boredom.

if bank of America is being a pain in the ass, try western union to wire your money. It worked wonders for me.

if you can, bring an xbox or ps3 to china, I am sure my friends who unfortunately are still in China going through the surgery will love it.

you can find and meet all the patients when you are there. They are all great people, lot of fun to hang out with.

good luck

[Malvolio]

I'm going with the jar of almonds again unless you can talk me out of it.


Sashimi: Sorry, no X-Box is forthcoming.  I'm all PC - except for using words that have been banned in 16, 14, and 2 respective countries.  My laptop is not a gaming laptop and has no alterable video card, but it is named Pumpkin, and that's good enough for Dragon Age! Dragon Age makes playing all other games completely worthless, by the way.  When you can freeze your enemys solid ALL THE TIME, lacerate them with visibly bleeding gashes and then sic a giant bear with spikes coming out of various body parts on them - a bear who is also an incredibly attractive woman who is probably trying to bring Armageddon on the land - other past times suddenly lose all sense of worthiness.  Dragon Age will destroy our nation in a manner similar to opium, but it will also destroy all the other nations who have computers and electricity in the same place, so in the end, rural African communities and the Himalayas will eventually put man on the moon.  And that's the true meaning of Dragon Age.

MMT Admin: In my head, you're my English assistant manager.  You tell me what movies to rent and then tell me I'm incompetent.  You have a Mexican wife and 2 kids, and you love the movie In Bruges.  I want you to know that.

Jack0Life: I don't actually know how to play poker.  I plan to buy a book on card games before I go.  And by buy a book, I mean perform a public loitering violation in Borders for 4 hours, fend off bookstore workers with surly glances, and then use a gift card. 

Despite Bank of America's best attempts, I've filed the information for wiring the surgery money, and it should be off to Beijing on Friday.  Where it will do absolutely nothing for a week, as esteemed professionals around the country will be frolicking in joyous Chinese New Year splendor.  I assume they frolic with their pants on. 
I NEED ASSISTANCE.  I know that Ronne takes people shopping before they get their legs sawed in half and stretched to test the biological limits of human bone tissue,  but I need to know what specific items I should buy and bring to Beijing.  From other diaries, I've gathered that I should get:
- Zipper-leg pants
- Video games/other methods of entertainment OTHER THAN DVDS, which I should buy in China for 1/216th of their American cost
- Back-up electronic equipment (batteries, extra power cords, adapter)
- Books
- Aspirin/tylenol/anything I can get over the counter, because the body will eventually figure out that Tramadol makes you feel better, and this is not acceptable to the body.  The body has a problem with passive aggression, in the form of repetitive impulse shooting which amounts to shouting "OW.  WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME.  OW. " every few milliseconds. 
- Roach spray.  Roach boxes.  Roach tax incentives to move to other parts of the country.
- Warm clothes (coat, sweatshirts, gloves, hat, big sweatpants?), because outside heat is a metaphor.  Heat is within all of us.
- Traveler's checks.  Side: Can Ronne take us to get a bank account for China?

What else do I need that I have not mentioned? If you went to Beijing, what item deprevation would have been your biggest fear? If you didn't go to Beijing, what is your biggest fear in general? Mine is cockadoodles.  They blend all the stunning stupidity of cocker spaniels with the Satanistic connections of poodles into a family-friendly Antichrist. 

And should I get a heater? I assume I should wait until getting to Beijing to get that.  It might set off the metal detector, and then I might be a terrorist with poor circulation.

 


 

[jack0life]

- Top of my list would be sleep aid.
Bring something that works for you.
With me Nyquil puts me to sleep in matter of minutes but I couldn't find them in China.
- Definately bring a game console. Get a PSP, DS lite or a Wii.
Those will keep you busy for 1-2hrs in a course of a day.
I bought a psp with like 10 games for ~$200 when I went and that was a great investment.
If you get a Wii, not only it will beep you busy, you will be a big hit with other patients.
- Bring some instant food that you crave from time to time.
I'm a picky eater and I got really bore of the food really quick.
174cm brought me some instant Pho packages and those were like heaven.
Even things like Chef-boy-ardee canned food taste great after a while.
If you're not  picky eater, then I wouldn't worry about it.
- Don't bother briningin too much clothing.
90% of the time you will be in shorts and t-shirts.
The pants are for cold weather and when you go out and you can find them in China or just buy some loose warm-up pants.
- Lastly, this is just for me if I was going there for LL.
I'd get my own supply of pain medicine(for me its tramadal).
I hate having to beg for the damm thing every nght.
I had no problem getting off it once I was done with LL so if it helped me with the pain during the process, why not take it when needed ??
Thats just my view. Some people don't take them until its absolutely neccessary.
- Everything else, buy in China.
Save you the trouble of bring more stuff plus theyre probably cheaper in China.

[NoTanAlto2]

AHH! A family member will be sending me Dragon Age soon - can't wait!

As far as World of Warcraft, it works for me. I obviously dont plan on going raiding any time soon but it passes the time pretty well.

Like everyone says, Dont worry too much about getting everything needed before coming. Chinese Walmart FTW!

See you soon.

NoTanAlto

[Inchitator]

Hey,

Glad you like the nickname

I would advise against Travellers cheques as the commission rates are too high (7.5%). Cash is the best option, you can exchange currency when you land at the airport. Alternatively, debit card fees for most of the UK cards is around 2.5% which makes it a better option than Travellers cheque. Yes, Ronne will take you to the bank to get your Travellers cheques cashed, if you still decide to use them.

Heater: You can buy one from Beijing, although if you decide not to, the Hospital will give it to you for "Free". I am one of the few (foolish ones) who bought my own.

Hope to see you soon and Good luck.

[Sashimi]

lol i love dragon age, it helps me past a month in beijing. I cant wait for the expansion to come out in March ? Its going to be awesome !

[MMT Admin]

MMT Admin: In my head, you're my English assistant manager.  You tell me what movies to rent and then tell me I'm incompetent.  You have a Mexican wife and 2 kids, and you love the movie In Bruges.  I want you to know that.

Haha! I don't like Mexican women, and I've never seen In Bruges, but that's kind of funny anyway

[lf]

I don’t like them either. The problem is that I live in Mexico.

[Malvolio]

Spit out my dad's gums and kiss me hard.

In 4 days, I will be bed-bound with 2 broken legs AND A DREAM. And by a dream, I mean copious amounts of Nyquil. As soon as I'm done typing up this udate, I swear that I'm going to get off my rump and pack the green suitcase that I got solely because it was green - and cheap. Being the exact shade of the Emerald City might have had a bit to do with the 50% off (For the love of God buy this so it isn't here anymore!) sign plastered to its front panel when I found it.

I'm unsettled by the news of Stewie Griffin's complication, but I will press forward. I will be rooming with a fellow who is approximately my age (acccording to Ronne, "of my years") who is probably NoTanAlto2. If he isn't NoTanAlto2, he's going to be very confused when I address him as such for 5 months, regardless of any pleas to the contrary.
"Where is my ice cream, NoTanAlto? I WANT MY ICE CREAM."
"My name is Dave. This hasn't changed from the last 198 times my name has also been Dave."
"I AM THE COBRA COMMANDER OF THIS SPACESHIP, NO TAN ALTO 2!"

I speak in capital letters when agitated; I write my sentences out on pieces of cardboard that I carry around with me. Gotta make my letters heard. As of February 2010, the cost of the surgery in US dollars was $27,140, not counting  the cost of the plane ticket and various forms of entertainment for the 5.5 months ahead.  Ronne promised me 5 months of hospital stay for an 8 cm lengthening. I very much doubt that I will be able to lengthen 8 cm in 5 months (from the accounts on MMT, the new double-cut takes just as long or LONGER than the former single cut for patients lengthening around 8 cm), but I think 7 cm in 6 months from the day of my operation to the day I wheel myself out of the hospital should be achievable. Of course, "should be" is always the key phrase, as I've had to tell countless angry customers  after spending 30 minutes bulldozing the story for an item that our computer insists we have. We probably did have it at one point, but it's never the point when the customer is present and fingering the handle of the machete in his pocket. In this scenario, the customer has a very deep pocket lined with titanium.
I'm decided to bring a small amount of money in traveller's checks (just in case Bank of America suffers a nuclear crisis while I'm away) and otherwise rely on withdrawing money from ATMs. I'm flying on Air China directly from the US to avoid having to get another visa for a layover country (and so that there is very little possibility that I get stuck in said layover country). I feel I need some pictures to make my diary appealing to a vision-centered species, so if I see any strange people at the airport, I will follow them to their cars taking pictures. It'll be like Saw, but without the man-in-a-pig-mask-capturing-people-and-encouraging-them-to-cut-off-their-feet part.

Probably.

[TopShelf]

Hah, this is funny.  I look forward to hearing your story.  Good Luck.

[gravy]

Haha thanks for making me laugh out loud.  Wish you much success in your LL journey. :-)

[Malvolio]

No! Don't remember the alimony! We're not married anymore! That marriage isn't even legal in this state!

Dear MMT Community,

I've been a fool.

I arrived successfully in Beijing on the 19th. I met my excellent roommate, who did turn out to be NoTanAlto2. The hospital's walls look a bit ghastly (chipped and peeling gaps reside in places on the wall where there's no possible explanation for how they could have gotten chipped and peeling), but the bed and pillow are comfortable enough (of course, I came from sleeping on a deflated air mattress, so people who sleep on normal beds might not agree). I haven't seen any cockroaches. Our nurse doesn't speak a word of English, but she's excellent with acting out whatever she wants us to do.

Beijing newcomers should know that almost no amenities are provided to patients - as in no toilet paper, towels, cleaning supplies, soap, or anything else you could possibly use in a bathroom. You buy them at Wal-Mart, where they cost about half of what they would in the US. With the exception of multivitamins, which are much more expensive than in the US. Ronne's driver is excellent at leaping over the language barrier via miming. He's also extremely chatty, regardless of whether or not the person he's talking to speaks Chinese. The Chinese Wal-Mart has two floors: the first is what you'd generally think of as a Wal-Mart, and the second is a grocery store with a butcher and an optometrist. 

Unfortunately, after going to Wal-Mart, I had time to think. I had time to think about next year - about college. For the first time, I really thought about the money I’d wired over. I really thought about the fact that I’d spent $27,140 of that money – the money that my parents had saved over 18 years for my college education – on a cosmetic surgery. On a surgery for my vanity. On a surgery to correct a condition that did not cripple or disfigure me. On a surgery to correct a condition that I wasn’t even especially upset about, because why? Because I thought that to grow up, I needed to literally grow up – I thought I needed to be 3 inches taller. Because I thought that to graduate into manhood, I needed to be eye level with Joe Average of the USA. And more than anything I might have thought I thought, because I didn’t think.

I do want to 3 inches taller. I’m 172 cm tall; another 8 cm will vault me solidly into the “above average” height class. I know that height is important. I’m glad that this hospital and others like it exist, and that doctors will perform this procedure. I completely understand why anyone of below average height would have this surgery. I was ready for the pain, the isolation, the expenses, the complications, the being stranded in a strange country for 6 months. What it turns out that I wasn’t ready to do was to hurt my parents by spending money that I did not have a right to spend. When I pictured myself showing up at their doorstep in a year or so with a student loan contract in hand – a student loan which they would know I had no reason to be needing yet – I knew they’d be heartbroken. And I knew they’d sign it, and they probably wouldn’t even ask me why. And I couldn’t go through with it. 

I’ve been so selfish. Using my family’s love to get cosmetic surgery. I’ve been so selfish.

Family is more important than being taller. No matter how twisted your relationship with them may be, your relationships with the people who love you are more important than being taller.

I will look into leg lengthening in the future. But when I get leg lengthening, I’m going to do it with my own money. I’m going to do it without hurting anybody.  I may do it in a different location (I’ve never really felt comfortable with the intramedullary nails portion of the Beijing process), and it’s going to be a long time before I can afford it on my own – certainly not until after I graduate. I was wrong to do it now. I wasn’t supposed to do it this year; when I started coming to this site, I always figured that I would wait until after I graduated and take out my own debt to pay for it. Then I suddenly had the time open up to have the surgery, and I mistakenly thought it was an opportunity, or a “sign”, or what you will. I was wrong, and I’m so sorry for putting Ronne and the other Beijing staff through preparing for my surgery. I will pay them for their time, and I’ll be on my way to do whatever it is I’m really meant to do this year. I have some ideas.

I hope that my next journey to enlightenment is cheaper. I will be back, and I will probably spend significantly more money by waiting 3 or 4 years, but by saving it myself, I’ll have earned the right to have leg lengthening in the first place. Being 3 inches taller doesn’t make you an adult. Recognizing that you’d  be hurting your family by taking the short path, and choosing instead to hike a longer one that’s full of thorns and potholes? Well, I hope it gets me a little closer.

To anyone who’s thinking about lengthening in Beijing and can accept the pros and cons of it (and can skillfully mime all possible requests to the nurses), go ahead. It’s a fine place for the task it promises to accomplish, and as long as you’ve got a good roommate, it’s peaceful.  I made a mistake coming here now, because it was never my time to come here now. It’s back to life for me for a few years. So for now, I leave you with a final thought:


SHUT UP AND TOUCH THE MONKEY!
 

[Sashimi]

I respect your decision. Having to convince my parents after I did the surgery was tough, they were so worried once they found out and still are. I totally neglected their feelings and selfishly did this surgery without first consulting with them. I know its my body and I should be able to do what I want, thats what I thought until my parents saw me and started to tear. I dont even know why I brought that up lol. I guess what I want to say is, when you do this surgery you either tell your parents and discuss with them first or go away long enough and come back recovered and walking. Anyway, no harm in waiting for a few more years. I worked and saved money since high school and did mine LL right after I graduated college, LL could be your graduation present.   

[midget]

Man, this must have been a gut wrenching decision to make. I respect your reasoning behind making such a difficult choice and changing your mind. Hopefully, if your focused enough and save enough funds,you will get to complete your LL adventure when the time is right. I would imagine if you did commence the procedure with these feelings of selfishness and guilt floating around the whole experience could have gone real bad, not to mention the affect it would've had on your relationship with your family.

Goodluck for the future Malvolio, keep your head up champ and work hard from here on in and make your height dreams come true when it is right for you.

cheers,

Midget

[skidude]

With your personality and being 172 cm you will do fine in college.  Just remember to enjoy it and not think too much about your height.

[MeltedCandle]

Geez, my eyes got watery reading your last post